Barney Thomson, Zombie Killer: A Barney Thomson Novella Read online

  Barney pushed the covers off and got out of bed. The window was slightly open, the room just the right side of too cold. He could smell the sea. He stood at the window and looked over the town of Millport. As usual at this time in the morning there were not many people abroad, but there were enough that he could tell from his bedroom window that those who were about, were a regular, everyday kind of human. No zombies. Everything on Millport was as it was supposed to be. Slow and grey, never changing and desperately melancholic.

  But it hadn't been a dream. It hadn't felt like a dream. That whole thing. It couldn't have been a dream. Yet he had known, as the scenes had flickered speedily past, that it hadn't been real. It had been too.... too what? Too bizarre to have been real? Too surreal to have been real?

  'I never said I was done with you, did I, kid?'

  Barney turned at the sound of the voice. There was an old man sitting on the chair, no more than a few feet from him. The man smiled and then looked out at Millport, and at the grey hills beyond.

  'Nice to be back here,' he said. 'You must feel as though you've never been away. Of course, you haven't.'

  Barney followed his gaze, and then turned back to him.

  'What was that?' he asked. 'All that stuff you just made me go through? Zombies? Really?'

  'Zombies are a metaphor,' said the old man.

  'No shit?' said Barney.

  'The dumbing down of society, you know, this whole Anti-Enlightenment that we're currently going through. Don't tell me you didn't enjoy it? The idiots are taking over. War, pestilence, stupidity and greed are taking over. It's going to be Hell out there. I love it!'

  He smiled.

  'Hell! See what I did there? I crack myself up sometimes.'

  'Why me?' demanded Barney, not sharing the old man's obvious delight at the macabre fantasy through which he'd just been dragged.

  The smile stayed on the old man's face while he regarded Barney for a while longer, then slowly the smile faded, a shadow passed over his eyes. Passed over his eyes and stayed there.

  'Don't think I'm finished with you, Barney Thomson. Not by a long...bloody...way...'

  Barney looked down at him, looked down into the sinister black heart that seemed to swallow him up. The never-ending, all-consuming black pit of desolation. And then, with a snap of the fingers, the look on the old man's face was gone, replaced by another winning smile.

  'Ha!' he said. 'It wasn't like you didn't have some fun while you were there. Looks like your true feelings for the beautiful Ms Sweetlips were given an airing. Made for some deliciously erotic viewing for those of us who were watching.'

  Barney held his gaze, but he was being crushed and there was nothing he could do about it. Manipulated and played at every turn, the old man was tossing him around like a kite in a tornado.

  'Oh, Barney, what's the matter?' said the old man. 'You look so sad. Like you just ate Leonard Cohen or something.'

  And then a great smile came to his face, as they heard footsteps on the stairs.

  'Ah, the lovely Sgt Monk is coming. You simply must tell her the delightful news about you and Ms Sweetlips. You simply must!'

  Barney looked at the door. Felt like he had been dragged through the emotional ringer, even more so in the past two minutes than in the previous bizarre outing at the hands of the old manipulator.

  'Here's looking at you, kid,' said the old fellow.

  The door opened, Monk came in carrying two cups of coffee. She looked quizzically at Barney. She glanced quickly around the room. The old man, naturally, was no longer there.

  'You were talking to someone?' she asked.

  Despite everything that had happened, Barney still found himself relaxing somewhat on seeing Monk.

  'Long story,' he said. 'What time is it?'

  'Just after seven-thirty,' she said, still looking curious, but letting it go.

  She came and stood beside him at the window, handed him the coffee and together they turned and looked out over the town.

  'You were a bit mental in your sleep,' she said after a while. 'Everything all right?'

  'Just a bit of a dream, that's all. Zombies.'

  'Nice,' she said, nodding. 'Although you seemed to be having sex with a zombie at some point.'

  Barney glanced round at her, remembered to smile.

  'Oh, that. Yes, I remember that. Not a zombie.'

  'OK. I think it's important to remember to have sex with someone in the middle of all zombie-type situations.'

  Barney smiled again, then looked away, back out at the grey sea, which tossed and spat and burbled.

  'You going to tell me who she was?' said Monk after a while, a quality about her voice that suggested she felt bad about asking, but couldn't stop herself.

  'Penelope Cruz,' said Barney.

  Monk glanced at him, but this time he kept looking straight ahead.

  'Penelope Cruz?'

  'Yes,' said Barney.

  'That would explain why you were enjoying yourself so much.'

  Barney smiled.

  'Just so long as it wasn't someone who you're actually going to meet,' said Monk.

  'What makes you think I'm not going to meet Penelope Cruz?'

  The sorrowful cry of a seagull cut across them, as it flew towards the house and then lifted up and over. Barney flinched slightly as he felt Monk's fingers brush against his, and then he relaxed as she slipped her hand into his and their fingers entwined.

  They drank coffee and watched the morning come in on the land.

  ###

  The Long Midnight of Barney Thomson

  If you enjoyed Barney Thomson, Zombie Killer, you may also enjoy The Long Midnight of Barney Thomson, book one in the Barney Thomson series; also available in The Barbershop Seven, a bargain-priced omnibus edition of all seven full-length Barney Thomson novels.

  Barney Thomson — awkward, diffident, Glasgow barber — lives a life of desperate mediocrity. Shunned at work and at home, unable to break out of a twenty-year rut, each dull day blends seamlessly into the next. However, there is no life so tedious that it cannot be spiced up by inadvertent murder, a deranged psychopath, and a freezer full of neatly packaged meat. Barney Thomson's uninteresting life is about to go from 0 to 60 in five seconds, as he enters the grotesque and comically absurd world of the serial killer...

  The Barney Thomson novels

  #1 The Long Midnight of Barney Thomson

  #2 The Barber Surgeon's Hairshirt

  #3 Murderers Anonymous

  #4 The Resurrection Of Barney Thomson

  #5 The Last Fish Supper

  #6 The Haunting of Barney Thomson

  #7 The Final Cut

  Also by Douglas Lindsay

  Novels

  Lost in Juarez

  The Unburied Dead (DS Thomas Hutton #1)

  A Plague Of Crows (DS Thomas Hutton #2)

  We Are The Hanged Man (DCI Jericho #1)

  Barney Thomson Novellas

  The End of Days

  The Face Of Death

  Barney Thomson, Zombie Killer

  Short stories

  The Case Of The Glass Stained Widow (DCI Jericho)

  Santa's Christmas Eve Blues

  About Blasted Heath

  Blasted Heath is an indie publisher of affordable and entertaining ebooks by new and established authors. If you enjoyed this book, chances are you'll like some of our others. Why not find out?

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